Sweeney The Unicorn
by Crazygirl99
Summary: No, he's not a unicorn. This is possibly the randomest thing in the world. Sweeney Todd and Charlie the Unicorn crossover. Yes, it can be done.
1. Harry Potter!

Sweeney the Unicorn

Sweeney the Unicorn

The boat was very uncomfortable. Especially with Anthony singing about bloody London all the time. God, did that boy ever shut up?

Suddenly, Sweeney was awakened by a rather annoying sailor who he was just imagining drowning in a surprisingly hot vat of oil.

"Hey, Charlie! Hey Charlie wake up!"

"Oh, it's you again. This better be pretty freaking important, is the boat on fire?"

"No, Charlie! It's London! It's just over this bridge Charlie! This magical bridge of hope and wonder. Hey! Hope, like me! Yay!"

"For the last time, Anthony, my name is not Charlie!"

"Then why does it say Charlie on your jacket?"

"Ummmm, Anthony, it doesn't say Charlie. In fact it doesn't say anything. That's just a bunch of scratch marks. Can you, like, not read or something?"

"Listen, Charlie, I went to the sea so I didn't have to learn how to read. Oh, and so I could met the infamous immortal Captain Jack Sparrow."

"Sparrow, ya say. Ya know my wife liked sparrows. Oh yes, Lucy…..

While Anthony was blabbering on about how cool Captain Jack Sparrow was, Sweeney went to a nice place called Memory Lane…..

Benjamin Barker and is blonde nit of a wife were in a flower market. Suddenly, Lucy spies a sparrow. "Oh! Look Johanna! A sparrow! Yay sparrows!" She tosses Johanna up in the air and madly chases after the fleeing bird.

Luckily, Ben catches the baby just in time. "Oh, Lucy. Always running after random birds. It's like you don't love me at all."

We see Ben chuckling to himself as we close-up on the judge and the beadle. "Now's our chance, Wormtail. Time to get Harry Potter back for bothering me. Him and that stupid red-head friend of his."

"Right, Snape. Wait a second. That's not Harry. And this isn't Howarts. I think we wandered into the wrong movie."

"Really? Oh, well. This punk'll do. Look, he has a hot stupid wife! It's like Christmas! Get him Wormtail.

"Right Snape, anything you say."

All of a sudden, Ben is attacked by Draco Malfoy, Crab, and Goyle.

"It's payback time, Harry!"

"Who's Harry? Wait, where are you guys taking me? Help! Lucy!"

We see Lucy, totally consumed by a worm on the side walk. She is holding Johanna by an arm and the rest of her dangling like a rag doll.

End Flashback

"Charlie? Charrrrrrrrrrliiiiiiiieeeeee? Charrrrrrrrrrrr-"

"Alright, alright. What do you want?"

"Time to get off the boat Charlie!"

Walking down the docks Anthony turns to Sweeney and totally blocks his escape.

"I hope to see you again someday, friend."

"Yeah, me too."

"Where will I be able to find you?"

"Ummm….I'll be living in Hyde Park, so go find me there. Bye!

Sweeney ran crazily through the streets, flailing his arms like, well, Captain Jack Sparrow, trying to get away from his stalker.

Anthony is left all alone. "A map," he mumbles to himself. "I need a map. I need a map, and a GPS system. Oh wait. They don't have those here, do they? Hmmmmmmm……"

Sweeney finally stops running, and leans on the side of a wall. "Stupid….bloody….London," he says between gasps.

When he finally has air, he walks down the streets, until he sees a familiar building.

"Mrs. Lovett's Pie Shoppe," he reads to himself.


	2. Random Organ Music

I know that some of you hate this story

**I know that some of you hate this story. But, you know what? I am totally writing it anyway!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Sweeney Todd; I do not own Charlie the Unicorn. Those were created by true geniuses**.

**Warning: This chapter contains references to Charlie the Unicorn 2. Please see that before reading. **

Sweeney walked into the shop, very glad to be safe from Anthony. He looks at the woman at the counter. She was wearing a brown dress with a surprisingly low neckline.

"Hola, Z. ¿Cómo estás?

Sweeney thought about leaving when he heard the eerie voice of Anthony right outside the shop. "Just keep walking, Charlie," it said.

Well, that freaked him out. So he just stood in the doorway and hoped that his dark appearance would be like a camouflage.

It didn't work

"OMG! A person! ¿**inglés** o **español**?"

"Ummm…what?"

**"Inglés is it then!" And with that, she pushes him into a chair and puts a plate down in front of him.**

**"Oh God, what is that?"**

**"It's a liopleurodon. A magical liopleurodon!"**

**_Okay, this is weird. But, either I leave here or get captured by Anthony_****, he thought. ****_Oh well, maybe I can get my old room back. _**

**"Like something ta drink, dearie?" asked Mrs. Lovett.**

**"Got any rum?"**

**"No, I'm afraid the rum is gone. Captain Jack Sparrow was just here, looking for some Turner fellow."**

**"Why is the rum always gone?"**

**"That is a question that has haunted me for years, love. It haunts me more than that haunted room upstairs."**

**"Haunted?"**

**"Yeah. Ya see, something happened up there, something totally stupid."**

**"_There was a barber and his wife;_**

**_And he was beautiful-"_**

**"Whoa, whoa whoa. He was BEAUTIFUL? Isn't that kinda femmine?"**

**"Shut up. This is my song. You jus' stare into that fire some more, savy?"**

**" 'Kay."**

**"_An idiot barber and his wife;_**

**_Who totally ruined his life_**

**_And he was beautiful_**

**_She was so dumb, ya see_**

**_Stupid little thing_**

**_Never got a thought in her head_**

**_I'm surprised that she wasn't dead._**

**_Poor thing_**

**_Made a mistake, ya see_**

**_Flirted with the judge_**

**_And he held a grudge_**

**_But would she budge._**

**_Poor fool_**

**_Ah there was worse yet to come, poor thing…_**

**"Okay, I've been blinded by the fire and I am totally bored with your song! Get to the end already!" yelled Sweeney**

**"Fine. She was totally taken advantage of by this judge guy and-"**

**"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"**

**"I knew it! It is you! Benjamin Barker!"**

**"Where's Lucy?"**

**"She's gone."**

**"Gone? GONE? Well, there's gone for the day, and gone for the night-"**

**Suddenly, a gigantic trout came and smacked Sweeney across the face.**

**"NO COUNTRY SONGS!" said a mysterious voice from nowhere.**

**"Okay. That was random. But," he said in a whispered tone, "what kinda gone are we talking 'bout here?"**

**He dropped down to escape another trout, but none came. **

**"Phew."**

**"She's dead. Poisoned herself. Dumb thing to do if you ask me. Now the judge has your little girl."**

**"God! Why does my life suck?!"**

**"Shut up! You're starting to sound like a Harry Potter book."**

**Sweeney Todd ran up to Mrs. Lovett and slaped her across the face. "Never say that name again."**

**"Well, I can't say the years have been kind to ya, Mr. Barker-"**

**"No, not Barker. It's Todd now. Sweeney Todd. And he will have his revenge."**

**"Sweeney Todd. The hero of death? Really? You chose that name? God, you turned so emo in the past fifteen years. Emo… hmmmm. OMG! I have a present for you!"**

**They run up the stairs to the room above the shop (dun dun duhhhhhh)**

**Mrs. Lovett reaches under the floorboards and pulls out numerous things: Will Turner, who pleads to be saved from Jack Sparrow, but is instead tossed out the window, the Holy Grail, which is snatched up by Monty Python, and of course, a pretty dirty looking box. She hands him the box with grace and dignity (for once).**

**"What is this? And where is my furniture?"**

**"Oh, the Judge donated it to Slythern house."**

**Another reason to kill him, thought Sweeney.**

**He opens the box and:**

**"OMG! My razors! Yes! Look, Mrs. Lovett! See how shiny this one is? Oh, Billy, Bobby, Ron, Hermione, and of course, Ged. I love you all, soooooooo much!"**

**After ranting for several minutes, Sweeney notices that Mrs. Lovett is sniffing his hair. ****_Oh no. Another fangirl_****.**

**"Leave me," he states.**

**"Rude person!" **

**She kicks him and he falls over, but doesn't seen to notice.**

**"Finally, my arm is complete again!"**

**The Phantom of the Opera music plays in the backround. Sweeney starts to laugh manically!**

**OK, next chapter all about Johanna and Anthony!**


	3. Want some Candy?

_OMG! You guys are the best! 18 reviews! I was looking at all the other stories, and they had 6 chappies and like 4 reviews. I'm like Hahaha, my readers like me better!_

_So, yeah. I'm really sorry. I have been soooo f'ning busy! _

_Here we are: Chapter 3. By the by, Sweeney's nightmare is coming. Just wait._

The Phantom lurks by Christine's door, staring into the keyhole.

"Christine! How did you get so blonde? I don't remember you dyeing your hair! Perhaps my diary of Christine-ness is off."

As the Phantom flipped through his journal, he is suddenly disturbed by a pat on his back.

"Excuse me," says Judge Turpin, "but I believe this is my stalker position."

"Oh, yes. Now it all makes sense. Well, better be off to my magical 2 way mirror. Bye!"

The Phantom throws something on the ground. Smoke covers the area and we hear a crazy cackle.

The air clears, and the Judge is already oblivious to his surroundings. He is looking through the peephole at Johanna.

Johanna is sitting and gazing out her window.

"Okay, my iBird stopped playing! Why won't you sing! I downloaded your latest software! I wanna hear my David Cook! Sing you bloody piece of filth!"

Johanna brings out her needle bazooka.

"Say hello to my little friend!"

Luckily, we switch to Anthony before any damage is done to our eyes.

Anthony, still lacking a GPS system, is trying to read a map for a particularly drunk pirate. The map is fairly interesting, with about 2 spinning wheels that spell out words when you read them.

"Up is down," states Anthony, finally seeing a phrase, "Well that's just maddeningly unhelpful. Why are these things never clear?"

"That's what I said!" exclaimed the pirate.

"Sorry I couldn't be much help."

"Oh, that's fine, my boy. Well, I better be off to find the cup of immortality if I want to get Lizzy back! Bye!"

And with a whoosh, the pirate was gone.

"Wicked," whispered Anthony.

"Well, I better start looking at my own map."

Anthony pulls out the map. Upside-down. Oh well, no one needs to tell him, right?

Anthony looks up to see Johanna finally rocking out to the new David Cook song.

"Yes! Another Cook fan! That blonde girl is now the love of my life! We'll stalk Simon together! We'll defend Paula together! We'll be Randy's homies!"

Anthony spies an old lady, singing about palms or bombs or something.

"Hey, gross beggar woman? Who's the babe in the window?"

"Oh, that's Judge Turpin's victi- I mean ward. Yeah, just a ward. Nothing else. But, I still wouldn't go into that house. I say, Will Turner go in their a few days ago. Never came back he did."

We see Will chained to the wall in a really dirty dungeon. "I didn't gander! I don't even know what that means! I just want my Pirate King girlfriend to come and take me to that deserted isle we live on!"

"Yeah, you don't won't to end up like Will. He's kinda creepy."

Once again, Anthony is totally oblivious. Now, back to the Judge!

Hearing the word stalk and Paula in the same phrase, Judge Turpin ran out the door to save his other stalking victim from a rival stalker.

"Oh," breathed the Judge, "It's just an idiot. OMG! He's looking at Johanna! That's like First base in my book!"

"Hey, boy! Want some candy?"

Sweet, thought Anthony, I get some candy! Now Johanna will think I'm da bomb!

Anthony runs into the house. We see the beggar woman. "Idiot," she mumbles.

Anthony is pushed into a chair in a rather dark and leathery parlor.

"So, wanna see my creepy old guy books filled with prostitutes?" pondered the Judge.

"Ummm. No not really."

"Come on, just a peek."

The book is thrown into Anthony's lap. It opens up, a screaming face pops out of the book. Anthony is soooo shocked that he passes out (girly man).

"Good thinking Wormtail. I knew that saving something from Hogwarts was a good plan." stated the Judge.

"Umm, boss? Shouldn't we use our incognito names? Like Beatle and Judge?"

"Oh, yeah. That's a good idea. Now put this boy in the pickle barrel that we keep outside our door for no apparent reason."

"Right Judgie."

Anthony awoke the next day wishing that he hadn't drank so much of that pirate's rum.

_Next chapter will be coming up soon. Hopefully. R and R if possible! And if you know a good place to get cool Sweeney pix, tell me. I'll be happy to know! _


	4. Down With Optimism

You guys are seriously the best

_You guys are seriously the best. I want to put you all in pies! Not really! Because that means you're inferior. But, perhaps, you are._

_Ok, last chapter got some pretty awesome reviews. This will most likely be a horrible chapter, like it is for the rest of the parody world. So, please forgive me. _

_Oh, and as Joel McHale said on The Soup: "David Cook, you are the American Idol for today, and for the future." I love you, David Cook! And Joel, too!_

**Warning!: This chapter contains references from School is for Losers by Neil Ciceriga (sorry, spelling error!), Frankenstein, Phantom of the Opera, Annie Get Your Gun, WWE, Pokemon, American Idol, Pirates of the Caribbean, Dr. Seuss, the Wizard of Oz and Annie. Yes, it can be done. **

Chapter 4: The Market

We open on a lonely, blank canvas. Tim Burton comes walking along.

"Hello, audience. I can see that you are thoroughly confused. Yes, I can see you. Well, I bet by now you're wondering how I knew that David Cook would win American Idol. I bet you're wondering how I knew where the map to the Cup of Youth was. Well, I'll tell you-"

Suddenly, a giant trout, much like the one we have seen before, comes and pulls a screen down, crushing Tim under its weight. The Phantom comes beside the fish.

"And that's how I was gonna kill that Prima Donna that took all of Christine's roles. She moved, though."

"Oh well," the fish answered, "At least you helped me knock out Tim before he gave the secret away."

"Yeah, that's something."

The trout pulled down another screen and the scene changes to St. Dustan's Market.

Mrs. Lovett is walking with Sweeney when she suddenly sees von Frankenstein

"God, that bloody Transylvanian is back again. We thought that he would just leave us after we chased him out of town with our pitchforks, but nooooooo, he had to come back. Gawd, he just can leave us alone, right? Oh look! More prostitutes!"

Of course, Sweeney was too caught up in his own thoughts to notice anything about his surroundings. Luckily, the Beadle made an appearance and snapped Sweeney back into his sad, Heathcliff-like brooding life.

"I am the Beadle, laws are for losers, I'm totally awesome…"

Sweeney tightened his grip on his razor, and was about to pounce like a rabid cheetah, when Mrs. Lovett's Sweeney senses kicked in. She started humming Taylor Hicks' "Do I Make You Proud" and, sure enough, the big trout came back and hit Sweeney on the head.

"What did I say about country songs?! This is my last warning, buddy!" the trout said. He disappeared into thin air, mumbling something about American Idol embarrassment.

"Well, that was random." said Sweeney.

"Yeah, that was pretty random." said a mysterious voice.

Sweeney looked around to see Elizabeth Swan, pretty mangled and half of her hair was totally wet. "Do you happen to know where Will Turner is?" she asked.

"Ummm, that guy that Jack Sparrow has been looking for?"

"Jack's here! Oh no! Not again! WILL! I'M COMING!" she shouted, and ran off in no particular direction.

All of a sudden, horns start blasting from absolutely nowhere. Toby, dressed up in clothes you would expect the Lollipop Guild to wear, walks out on the stage.

Ladies and Gentlemen:

May I have your attention perlease?-

"NO!" pretty much everyone in the market shouted.

"Fine then, I'll skip the song. I'm here to promote the Cat in the Hat."

"Who?" the market shouted once more.

Suddenly, a man with really bad cat face paint and a tall hat popped out of the back of the caravan.

"IIIIIIIIIIIIII am the cat in the hat! Here to prove that even though the sun is not sunny, we can still have a lot of fun, which is funny!" he said.

"Oh God," said Sweeney. "An optimist."

He went straight up to the catman and said "I am Sweeney Todd of Fleet Street! I am horrified that you can even see a light in this deep black hole. Therefore, I challenge you to a Pokemon duel!"

Sweeney reaches into his breast pocket and pulls out a shiny red and white sphere. "Your move, Cat"

"Umm, my name is Pirelli, actually. Thanks for noticing the gigantic sign above my caravan. Unfortunately, I have set all my Pokemon free so that they will not be confined to that horrible prison."

"Fine. Then I challenge you to a barbering duel!"

"Fine! I am a part-time barber when I'm not doing this kitty stuff. Anything you can do I can do better."

"I can do anything better than you."

"No, you can't"

"Yes, I can"

"No, you can't"

"Yes, I can"

"No, you can't"

"Yes, I-"

"Shut up! Gawd! Annie, where's your friggin gun?" shouted Mrs. Lovett

"Right here!" a little red-headed girl shouted. "Now it's payback time, Hannigan!" she shrieked and ran off into the distance.

"Will the Beadle be the judge?" said Sweeney, instantly forgetting everything that happened.

"Oh, what the hell Why not? It's not like I have anything better to do than walking around feeling all high and uppity. The fastest, smoothest shave wins! LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!"

A pitiful whistle comes from the Beadle's direction.

Close-ups of Sweeney's and Pirelli's flash on the screen. It's time for the battle to begin.

Suddenly, the screen fills with typing:

WE INTERRUPT THIS EPIC BATTLE FOR THIS IMPORTANT MESSAGE! HUNDREDS OF POKEMON SAID TO BE RELEASED BY A CAT-MAN HAVE ATTACKED LONDON! PLEASE EVACUATE THE AREA IMMEDIATELY!

All of the market goers run in every direction. While Pirelli acts as a good citizen and tries to help the people calm down, Sweeney shaves his man.

"The winner is Todd!" shouts the Beadle.

Everyone stops to clap for a few moments before returning to panic.

_Yeah, I knew having a friend in the Enquirer would be helpful_, thought Sweeney.

Mrs. Lovett dragged him off, but before she could make her escape, Sweeney dragged her to the Beadle.

"Wow. That is some mad skills you have there, Todd," stated the Beadle, "Mind if I bring over my totally delicious boss over to your shop."

"P'shah. That's aight." Answered Todd.

"Oh mi Dios. ¡Vamos ya!" said Mrs. Lovett

And they walked off.

Tim is now sitting upright. He has a blanket around him and some hot coco.

"Well, I don't know how the Trout found me, but at least I'm alright. So, I guess I'll tell you the secret some other time. See ya later! And enjoy the rest of Sweeney Todd.

The white expanse fades.

_Well, I know it was bad. But, next chapter goes back to our fav love birds, Johanna and Anthony. Still looking for awesome Sweeney pics, with captions! Help a poor girl, eh? Love ya! R and R!_


	5. A Day With the Turpins

_**I have been soooooo evil. Really, I have. Not updating? What is wrong with me? Perhaps I have this weird and evil disease which makes you be disloyal to your readers. Hmmm, better get that checked out. So, yeah. Really short chapter, but more is on the way. Trust me. Or not. Either way.**_

* * *

It's just another day in the Turpin household. Johanna, sitting, sewing, singing, stitching. Judge Turpin, stalking. All day, everyday. With no breaks. But, that's just the way things worked. Oh well.

Today was different, though. Somehow, Anthony managed to not get himself killed and reach Johanna's house at the same time. Pretty impressive.

I know what you're thinking: "Why would Anthony go back to the place where Judge Turpin almost killed him?" That is a good question, for which we may never know the answer. Some blame it on stupidity. Some blame it on love. Most blame it on the mixture of the two.

Johanna was sitting and sewing, while singing some Danity Kane. "The boys stare, we smile back," Johanna sang, when she saw that this was really true. For down below was Anthony, drooling as usual.

Normally, Johanna would be totally disgusted by this. But, because it was either her creepy guardian or her semi-creepy stalker drooling at her, she went for the one closer to her age.

This is when Johanna made a very bold decision. So bold, Doritos made another chip after it, just to immortalize the boldness. She reached inside her drawer and pulled out a piece of parchment. She opened her window and threw it at Anthony.

The parchment floated towards Anthony, and he grabbed it in one swift motion. He unfolded it, and saw an outline of a shape he had never seen before.

He called up to Johanna, "Is this a key?"

"NO," she yelled, "IT'S EVEN BETTER. IT IS A _DRAWING_ OF A KEY. NOW GO FIND IT! I THINK I THREW IT IN A NORTHBOUND GENERAL DIRECTION."

Anthony pondered this for a moment. Then he thought of another way, "Why can't you just come down and unlock the door?"

"Well, umm…I…never really considered that. No, I really don't want to. I know! I'll throw down another key from my key collection!"

"Sure fine whatever. It's starting to get really cold out here, so could you just throw it down?"

"Yeah, okay."

Johanna threw down the key, and it landed right at Anthony's feet. Unfortunately, shiny objects make Anthony forget everything that's happened in the last six and a half minutes.

"Oh look! A shiny key! I wonder what mysteries it will reveal to me? Maybe a secret civilization of banana people! Or…" Anthony paused to look up for a moment. "Or that girls room! Sweet! I'll try that one later. Hmmm, I wonder how Charlie's doing. I'm gonna go visit him! Heyyyyy CHARRRRRRRLIE!"

Anthony ran off into the distance, leaving Johanna to her needle work.

Meanwhile, Judge Turpin is pondering his life. "If I wanted to keep her here forever, why did I give her a key to her room? I wonder what other mistakes I've made."

And so ends another day at the Turpin House. Weird.

* * *

_**I know. I'm not happy with the chapter. It was the best I could do, though. R and R. It makes my day! Free shiny keys to all who review!**_


	6. Anthony Flashbacks

_Okay, I know that I haven't updated in, like, forever. I understand that you are very mad. That you might have even considered complaining to management. Or getting me fired, WITHOUT unemployment. How horrible would that be? Well, I'm back. For how long? I have no idea. Time is not my bestest buddy. So, I apologize for not updating. So, here is chapter six!_

Disclaimer: I do not own Charlie the Unicorn 2 (or any part of the Put a Banana in Your Ear song), My Fair Lady, the Spanish language (Spanish is in bold), Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Phantom of the Opera, Pirates of the Caribbean Three, Rent, the Gemma Doyle Trilogy, or Britney Spears

* * *

Mr. Todd had a busy day of pacing around his shop. Yes, it was a very hard job, but someone had to do it.

Mrs. Lovett totally barged in, with absolutely no consent that she was interrupting the barber at his favorite activity: brooding. Mrs. Lovett sat in the barber's chair, and immediately started talking.

"Wow, this room looks really clean. Oh yeah, I cleaned it. Silly Mrs. Lovett, Trix are for kids**. Oh mi Dios**, did I just say that aloud? Oh, well, it doesn't really matter, does it? So, anyway…"

_Wow, _thought Sweeney, _I never thought that I could find a person as annoying as Anthony. Well, at least she's not singing._

At that very moment, Mrs. Lovett, as if reading Sweeney's mind, started singing at the top of her lungs:

"Charlie, you look quite down, with your big fat eyes and your big fat frown, the world doesn't have to be so grey-"

"Actually, it does. I'm not a master of the weather, but, you know, since I've returned, I haven't seen a spec of sunlight. Perhaps it's because of that morbid set designer…"

"**Cualquier**," Mrs. Lovett replied. "Charlie when you're life's a mess and you're feeling down or is in distress, I now what can was that sad away! All you have to do is PUT A BANANA IN YOUR EAR

"A banana in my ear?" asked Sweeney

Mrs. Lovett nodded. "Put a ripe banana right into your favorite ear. It's true-"

"Says who?"

"So true," continued Mrs. Lovett, totally ignoring Sweeney's comment, "Once it's in the gloom will disappear, the bad in the world is hard to hear when in your ear a banana cheers, so go and put a banana in your ear."

As Mrs. Lovett was going to start a second verse, suddenly, the door slammed open and Anthony barged right in.

"I heard the word banana!" he said.

_Oh, no,_ thought Sweeney. _Both people, who happen to love singing, are in my apartment. It's not long before-_

"PUT A BANANA IN YOUR EAR!" his guests shouted at him.

"**Espere un minuto**," said Mrs. Lovett, "You're not part of this song! Who are you?"

"Ummm…Oh, hey! Mr. Todd! Why are you hiding behind that door?"

"Ummmmmm….." answered the barber. "Come sit down, Anthony,"

"Okay, I'm not at all suspicious that you have a woman in your apartment or that I'm interrupting anything! Like a song! By the way, who is the creepy pale chick who speaks funny?"

"¡**Qué pena que no haya**!" shouted Mrs. Lovett

"¡**Oh sí lo hizo**!" responded Sweeney, who had been taking Spanish, against his will, by Mrs. Lovett

**Flashback**

"**La lluvia en España se mantiene principalmente en la llanura**" says Mrs. Lovett, sitting in her parlor with a pipe.

"The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain" says Sweeney

Mrs. Lovett throws a whole bowl of grapes, marbles, and chocolates at Sweeney. "NO!" she yells, "Say it in Spanish! My God, we are never going to be able to take you anywhere."

"But we live in an English speaking country!" screams Sweeney

**Ends flashback**

"OMG! You talk funny, too!" giggles Anthony, "Yay! But seriously, what are you doing with my best friend?" Anthony asks like an overly-possessive three year old.

"Mrs. Lovett, son," said the equally over-possessive lady.

_Dear God, _thinks Sweeney, _I'm never going to be able to leave this room, am I?_

"Anthony," starts Sweeney, "How did you even find me?"

"Well, that is a long story," the girly-man says, while his eyes focus somewhere on the ceiling and he puts a goofy smile on his face.

**Flashback**

Anthony walks up to the start of Fleet Street. "Okay, here it goes," he breathes.

He knocks on 183 Fleet Street and walks right in. He finds himself in the middle of Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.

"Everything in this room is eat-a-ble," says a man with a velvet top hat and cane, "Even I am eat-a-ble. But that, dear children is called cannibalism, and is indeed frowned upon in many societies."

Anthony, being the three-year-old at heart he is, spends a good deal of the morning eating chocolate and discussing philosophy with Willy Wonka. That is a really good combo, you know.

"I feel that the chocolate river symbolizes how childhood is neverending," states Willy. Anthony nods along, feigning understanding.

Suddenly, Anthony had an idea. An awful idea. Anthony got a wonderful, awful idea. He saw an abnormally fat child drinking from the famous chocolate river. He looked around to see if anyone was watching, and then pushed him in. The fatty was shrieking for his life, and Anthony ran out the door from which he came.

"Okay, no Mr. Todd there," stated Anthony. "Next!"

He went down the stairs and went to 184 Fleet Street. Without knocking, he flung open the door and stepped inside. He found himself in a dark labyrinth. As he walked along the dark tunnels, he seemed to hear very high pitched soprano singing.

"Sing for me!" he heard shouted down below.

"Yay!" said Anthony! "A concert! I hope it's Britney!"

He ran down the whole way, only to find that the boat to take him to the "concert" has already left.

"I have brought you to the seat of sweet music's throne!" shouted the same voice he heard before.

Anthony, totally dejected, walked slowly up the labyrinth and out of the mirrored door that he came from.

"Well that was a total waste of time," muttered Anthony.

Anthony walks to the next door and finds himself at 185 Fleet Street. Without knocking, he randomly runs into the room only to find himself at the wedding of our favorite pirates, Elizabeth and Will. Anthony is standing on the deck of the Black Pearl in the middle of a very brutal storm. Walking past many, many people wanting to kill him (not all of them the enemy) he sees Elizabeth and Will kissing.

"I adore weddings!" he squeals, and sits down on what he thinks is a barrel. Unfortunately, this happened to be a case of ammunition, so he is blown out of the ship and into the waters of the sea. Being the sea-faring man that he is, he swims for days on end until he sees a mysterious door of light.

"Come on, Felicity!" a girl with red hair shouts. "We have to make it back to Spence!"

"Coming!" shouts a girl with blonde hair and a bow and arrow. "Ann," she says, turning to Anthony, "Aren't you coming?"

Being totally impromptu (and secretly always wanting the name Ann) Anthony follows behind. After passing through the door of light, he makes a run for it and leaps into the nearest door, which happens to be 186 Fleet Street.

**End Flashback**

"The movie will be out in theatres July 10th," says Anthony.

The couple justs look at him with a glazed expression.

"Anywhoodles, I saw this really hot girl today. She was smoking. I'd like to light her candle. I could become an arsonist-"

"WE GET IT!" shouts Eleanor, who really had issues with fire for no apparent reason (yet).

"Sooooooo," he continues, "I would seriously like you to help me hide this vision of beauty for me."

"Will you leave if I let you?" asks Sweeney.

"Sure," is the reply.

"DONE!" shout both Mrs. Lovett and Sweeney at the same time.

"Great! Okay, I'm going to go try and find her house again! See you later!" Then he left.

"That boy is going to kill himself one day," remarks the baker

"Don't I know it."

* * *

Please R and R! Sorry this took forever!


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